The Nun and the Handsome Cab Driver

A cab driver slows down the cab to pick up a new fare, a Catholic Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the cab driver, who is young and handsome, won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He laughs nervously and says, “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She says, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that. But only if you are single and Catholic.”

The cab driver said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills gives him a long and passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Jeff, and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

Daughter Has Some Questions For Mom

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

“Mommy, how old are you?

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, It’s not polite.”

“OK, “How much do you weigh?”

“Those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

“Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honey!”

The mother drove away as the two friends began to play.

“My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl said to her friend.

“Well,” her friend said, “All you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card.”

Later that night the little girl said to her mother, “I know how old you are – you are 32.”

“How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And, I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really, why?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

Life and Living Joke: The Bagpiper Gets Lost

A bagpiper was asked by the head of a funeral home to play at the side of a grave for a homeless fellow. He had no family, no friends, so the service was to be at a "pauper's cemetery" in the Ohio back country. As the bagpiper did not know the backwoods, he got lost.

He finally arrived an hour late and saw the pastor had apparently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. The bagpiper felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the edge of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he began to play beautiful, melancholy music. The workers put down their lunches and began to stand near him, their heads hanging in reverence. He played his heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.

In fact, he played like he'd never played before for this homeless man, and as he played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, the bagpiper wept, they all wept together. When the piper finished he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full. As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Travel Joke: Are You Going to San Diego?

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?” “Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?” “Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.” “I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. “What the heck are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde, “but we had money left over, so now we’re going to Sea World.”